Thursday, December 17, 2009

Journal Entry

It is early and I am not sleeping. Too many things running rampant through my thought process. Isn't it amazing that no matter how old you get, you can so quickly be thrown back into the past and relive experiences that you would just as soon forget. It is interesting to feel like an outsider to your own life....... or wish that you were.

As I sit here trying to sort out my emotions and try to make sense out of an emotional situation, I long for the days when all that I had to concern myself with was where to find a matching sock.

When taking stock of my relationships, it is with some confusion that I realize only those that you love deeply enough can truly get under your skin and hurt you, hurt you with a deep wound that never seems to heal completely and remains as an ugly scar tissue on the most sensitive area of the soul. It seems to await 'the trigger' and then proceeds to look for any and all areas of weakness to bring you emotionally to your knees. I am there.

The strange thing is, I wasn't part of this situation other then being a bystander witnessing it. It was slightly surreal. Watching two people that I love hurt one another with words and actions that stemmed from exhaustion and hunger and probably deep down wounds that have never been addressed, was nothing short of painful.

I have found it hard to be forgiving and even harder to be objective.

I know in time the sting of this event will soften as it becomes buried by day to day goings on, but unless I find compassion and charity in my soul, this will become another defining image in the movie in my mind that is my life, and that is unacceptable.

4 comments:

Heidi Ashworth said...

I sooooooo relate. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I wish I wasn't feeling the same. Love you!

Karen Pedersen said...

Oh, Roxanne! I am so sorry. I hope these two loved ones of yours mend their fences soon so your heart can be healed. Love you!

Momza said...

Sending good thoughts you way today, Roxanne....so sorry for your aching heart and those you love too.

Super Angie Waibel Miske said...

*HUGS*