Thursday, July 29, 2010


I am having one of those thinking moments, you know the kind where your mind just won't shut off. Mine started at 4:00 AM today. It started to roll pictures through my mind as if I were at a picture show. The pictures were there with vivid colors but it was the emotions that kept me awake and staring at the ceiling, so I finally got up.

The main feeling I was having was a heaviness on my heart that kept me from taking deep cleansing breaths, you know the kind that makes you wish that you could have a good cleansing cry but the tears won't come.

My thoughts centered around my dear little Sissy and some conflicts that have been assailing her for the past couple of days. Mr Darcy calls it 'Drama' but the true word to describe it is conflict. I have found myself in similar situations in the past and so I know the suffering that comes with it all to well and because of this I find myself mired in a funk of melancholy that sits like a weight upon my heart.

We are all human and therefore we are subjected to human feelings and reactions or should I say over-reactions that bring heartache and sorrow not only to us but to others as well. My daughter is having a human experience brought on by other humans that have allowed their overly sensitive situations to bubble and froth and ooze all over every aspect in their life right now and innocent bystanders find themselves in the line of fire. Is this what we would call 'friendly fire'?

Anyway, it has caused me to have a moment of thought, contemplation, empathy, whatever you want to call it and I find myself wrestling with my reactions. Logic tells me one thing and my heart tells me quite another. While I have always been a creature of logic, my first reaction is usually emotional....then after some walking, sometimes lots of walking...I come to the logical that will not have me repenting any more then I constantly have to.

But this time is different..... My logical mind has abandoned me, leaving me with no recourse but to allow those human emotions to trample all feeling of empathy that may try to find a foothold. I am finding a desperate need to share me, myself and I with someone, but not just anyone, someone that would understand my troubled heart and not judge me for the human way I am dealing with the hurt my daughter has been caused by an unthinking, unfeeling human being.

So here I sit, hoping against hope that seeing the words in print will shock my logical self back to the forefront so that I can better help my bruised and battered baby girl. And then my heart whispers to my truest friend, 'help me do the right thing for the right reason' ...the dam breaks and the cleansing tears come...the healing has started.


Karen Pedersen said...

Oh, Roxanne. I have had a feeling that something was wrong with J this week. What can I do to help (her and you!)?

lvs2dance said...

I love you mom.

Momza said...

Sending many good thoughts your way, Roxanne.
I too, have felt these feelings way more often than I wish I did.
My prayer is always, "Help me see things clearly."
May you have peace today.

Deedee said...

Please consider writing a book, dear sister. You express yourself beautifully!! I know things are better now for you and Jenny. Love Ya